So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
