just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
