hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
