I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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