Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize