he was CRYING into my vagina
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
my liver is dry heaving
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
