so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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