she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
