ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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