I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
