She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
