remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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