so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
