I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
