I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize