when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
