did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
