he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
