Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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