I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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