Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
