i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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