Just fell off a train. Bad.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
