you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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