I faked an abortion last night.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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