my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
