can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
