I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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