my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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