Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Even my vagina gasped.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
