So drunk its hurt
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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