Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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