I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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