I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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