I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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