I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Randomize
