woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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