I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
