I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
