I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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