so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
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