Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
