I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
