Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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