I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
