Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
