I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I think my vagina is haunted
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize