I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
