I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
