Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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