rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
