it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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