so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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