I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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