between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
