I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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