Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
