Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
